At which point will we stop worrying for our children?
At which point will we stop making plans for them?
At which point will be stop making decisions for them as we worry they make the wrong decisions which they will regret later?
At which point will we stop behaving like... we know them better than they themselves?
As I'm typing this in a cafe, I can't help but observe the family sitting across me. 2 adults, 3 kids (likely 9,7,3yo). I won't elaborate too much on their family dynamics based on my short observation but at some point, I guess I was staring too hard and began shaking my head quietly. And I started worrying for the kids... how will they turn out later on in life? How will they behave in school? Will they hate each other? Will they be like their parents?
But hey! Why am I worrying about other people's kids? I have got my own to worry about!
What exactly do parents worry about?
Infancy stage
Anything that's got to do with their survival, is this safe or not, drink enough milk, safe or not, sleep enough, safe or not, will they like this toy, safe or not....
anything that's got to do with their growth, when can talk, when can roll, when can walk, tall enough, heavy enough, smart enough...
Toddler/ kiddy stage
Anything that's related to their physical or cognitive growth, when can run, run how fast, run how far, run properly or not, and this repeats for cycle, swim, read, whatever activity kids do....
Primary school stage
This list is too scary to recall. Homework, exams, friends, CCA, tuition...
Secondary school stage
Boyfriend, girlfriend, no friend, raging hormones, why they aren't as cute as before...
We can continue adding to the never ending list which will just go on and on. Parents just can't stop worrying for their children. Their past, their present, and their future. Even when our children become parents themselves, we still worry for them! How are they going to survive as parents? How are our grandchildren???? And the cycle repeats....
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Mathew 6:25-34
Why do we worry for our kids?
Because we care.
And we can't stop worrying because we won't stop caring.
Worrying is natural. And there's nothing wrong with it. It helps us to be more aware of our children's needs, which is still better than a Bo-chup parent. What's more important is how we handle our worries.
Do we go into overdrive mode and take intervention steps in our kids' lives each time we worry?
Do we solve their problems for them?
Do we fear that they will make mistakes?
No wonder some of us complain that our kids can't handle their own problems nor take care of themselves. We have been doing it for them all this while! We worry that they can't handle, thus we handle their worries for them. Our kids grew up, but yet we remained in the same 'controlling mode' when our kids were in the infancy stage
On the other hand, worrying helps us to understand there's only so much one can do, and should do. If we are able to acknowledge our helplessness, we can then turn to the God who looks after the birds in the sky and the lilies in the field. Whatever we worry, we commit them to God.
As 2 of our kids move on to secondary school, we learnt to let go more and let them take responsibility of their own time and finances. We offered broad guidelines and mostly gave advice only when asked. What they don't tell us (a teenager thing 🙄), we learn to trust and commit to God. We still do worry at times, but we learn to pray even more.
Let go, and Let God 🙏