"It's 2 weeks to your exams, to help you concentrate on your revision, we are going to keep your phone once you get home. Anyway that was our agreement previously."
I looked at my eldest to check on his response.
"OK." Usual response from the teen.
"You will be ok? You gonna inform your friends?"
What came next surprised me....
"Actually I already told my friends this is going to happen after mid-year exams when I did not do as well as we agreed. Then WA3 I also did not hit target. So we were waiting for this to happen...." DWYSYWD - DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO
I have always tried to be sensitive to the teen's feelings. This is a familiar but yet totally unfamiliar territory for us. Both me and Ng have been involved in Youth Ministry since we were growing up and my entire teaching career has been involved with teens.
But yet with our own son entering teenage-hood, it becomes a whole new journey for us. When he did not do as well as the target set for him, I knew he was disappointed. We spoke and decided on ways to improve and THAT'S IT. I did not talk about the consequence which was to keep his phone. Partly I did not want to exacerbate his disappointment and also a LITTLE part of me did not want to confront him on a touchy issue such as his phone.
OK, not just a little. I did not want to follow through with the consequence as I knew it's difficult to monitor.
So I left it as it is.
WA3 came and things did not improve much. I still did not follow through and waited till an appropriate time to have the talk with him.
It did not occur to me that he has been expecting this and was ready to accept the consequence. He has been waiting for me to follow through and has even told his friends. Probably they are all feeling weird why the Disciplinarian has not followed through with the 'Punishment'.
It was an enlightening moment for me.
DWYSYWD
We may think:
They don't like it. (yes they always don't like consequences)
It's harsh so give chance (which we always do)
They are mature enough to learn the lesson without executing the consequence (sorry, they don't)
They actually EXPECT you to follow through with your words. This is how they will RESPECT you.
And the more you don't follow through, the less they'll expect you to do it, the less they'll respect you.
They may show their resentment, anger and that pissed-off-ok-do-whatever-you-want type of teenage face.
But they know you mean your words.
In school, I was known as someone who doesn't mince my words and a no-nonsense disciplinarian. I'll follow through with every consequence and students tend to 'sigh' when they know I'm onto them. But with my own kids, I learned compassion and try-not-to-be-the-disciplinemaster-with-my-own-kids attitude. In the midst of seeking to find the balance, I guessed I lost some teachable moments along the way.
DWYSYWD. When you follow through your words with the right timely action, what you reflect is CONSISTENCY and TRUST. I have to admit I am still learning as a father of a young teen. In the meantime, yeah, the phone is 'surrendered' each time the teen gets home till the exams are over.
"that He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6