About a month ago, me and wife had a new revelation. It was a Saturday and we were returning from dinner with mei. Boys were out in church and will be hanging out with their church mates till late. It dawned on us that in less than 2 years’ time, mei will be joining the boys as teens and will also have her Saturday-church-youth-ministry time. AND 我们两个老的 WILL BE ALONE 😱
Suddenly there was talk about empty nest syndrome, what should we do, what could we do, and how much we should treasure time with mei now before she flies the coop and joins the troops…
OR is it still too early and we are just getting in over our heads…
Ever since we have kids, our nest is always occupied. It was natural to expect kids to be home when I return from work. The excited greetings, the warm hugs and the enthusiastic sharing of what they did for the day. Our nest was almost never empty. There were a few occasion where the kids went ‘camping’ at 大姨’s place and we had some couple time together. There was also their pre-Covid primary school level camps when one of the boys was away. And that’s almost it.
For us to be hit with the slow realisation that one by one, they’ll NOT BE
eating meals with us at times
Watching the just released blockbuster movie with us at times
Doing random stuffs with us at times
This is a brand new feeling and experience for us. I term this phase of life as PENS- Pre-Empty Nest Syndrome.
It is the fear of an approaching empty nest. The sense of imminence. The sense of trying to embrace something unknown.
You know you have to let go, but yet, you are not sure if they are ready, or if you are ready to. It looks like they still need you and you want to be there when they really do, hence you don’t want to fully let go… yet.
This is the type of weather where it looks like it’s gonna rain but haven’t rain yet and thus you are not sure if you want to bring the umbrella out or not.
What if I plan for something when they are not around and then at the last minute, they are available and the time with us? What if I planned to have something with them and yet at the last minute, they are not available?
So much uncertainty.
And yet, as we try to understand this PENS phase, there’s still so much to learn as a parent.
Manage our expectations and clashes in schedules.
As our kids grow up, it is unrealistic to expect them to follow the adults’ schedule all the time. There will be clashes in schedules and it will be unfair to expect them to always adjust theirs to accommodate ours. There is a need for proper communication to ensure a balance. Before we plan anything, we will usually check with the kids if they are available and remind them to ‘chope’ the date. Similarly, the kids have also developed the habit of checking in with us before they commit to any engagements.
Accept that there are other priorities in our children’s lives.
We have to accept that as the kids grow up, they will have their own commitments. Church, school, friends, cell group, CCA and their many many activities. But yet their time and energy is limited. Thus we have to teach them to PRIORITISE and BALANCE their commitments and give the due attention at the right time. There is a time for everything.
Understand that our children are learning to cope with peer pressure and FOMO.
I have learnt that I cannot expect my kids to have the maturity to shut off their friends’ expectations… meaning they can’t totally ignore peer pressure at this age. I have to accept the fact that they will have to take into consideration how their friends will view them and hence, I have to respect this too. I need to defend my kids’ standing among their peers and find the right opportunities to teach them to manage peer pressure. But it shouldn’t be a case of “choose friends or family!”
Learning to let go.
I have shared previously that parenting is a journey of learning to let go when the right time comes. It is akin to flying a kite with multiple strings. You let go of strings one by one and sometimes, you take back one or two strings. But the day will come when you let go of all. Now that I’m going through PENS, that’s easier said than done 😂
Anyway as we experience PENS, let us adopt a positive spirit and see the many beautiful things that can emerge from this learning process. This is the phase of strengthening relationships, refining communication and trusting in God that “He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it”.
Let them fly, let them fall, let them soar.